Im still Pregnant

Both Max and I have been battling a bit of a cold the past few days.  Last night he was up quite a bit.  I sat in his bed and rocked him for about an hour and cried out to God during that time.  I told him how disappointed I was.  How frustrated I was.  How this past week has made me question if he even hears me, if hes even there… If he forgot about me.  Then I laid my sweet congested baby down and went to bed.

This past couple of weeks has been hard.  Emotionally and Physically.  About 3 weeks ago I started having what I would call early pre labor.  Contractions, stronger than Braxton Hicks, but not quite strong enough to really do anything.  They would come mostly in the night… just strong enough to keep me up for a few hours and then disappear by morning.  Id wake up feeling fine… no  big deal.  They started getting more frequent, a bit stronger and lasting longer in the night as the weeks went on.  This not only disturbed my sleep, but also did a number on me mentally.  I mean, contractions are great… when a baby is the result at the end… but this seemed to have no end in sight.  I prayed that God would allow me to have Leo a little early, just so I could have some relief, mentally and physically…

…. and nothing.

I felt like I was doing good though.  I wasnt being obnoxious about NEEDING my baby out like some new moms are.  Trying all sorts of things before their due date was even visible on the horizon.  Im a firm believer that babies come when babies are ready…

Then we got a phone call the Friday before my due date.  Jimmy’s boss decided that Jimmy should take his paternity leave that coming Monday through Friday… Even though the baby hadn’t arrived yet.  This sent sheer terror through my body.  The mere thought of having a brand new baby… and a toddler…on my own… immediately after birth… made me want to crawl into a hole and never ever ever come out.  Max is a good kid… but he is a full time gig.  And any newborn, well behaved or not is a full time gig as well. Not to mention that a womans postpartum body NEEDS time to heal, bond with her baby and establish breastfeeding.  I felt like all of that was being robbed of me.  But unfortunately there was nothing we could do about it… even after phone calls to HR we found out Jimmy was going to be off work no matter how loud we protested.  So we took a step of faith and just believed that Leo would come during the week so we would be able to have our time together as a new family.  That Monday I saw my midwife.  I had her check my progress (which I dont usually recommend under normal circumstances).  I was dilated to about a 4 and my cervix was very soft and effaced 50%.  For those of you that dont understand what all that means… I was ripe and ready for birth… all we needed was for baby and uterus to start doing its thing.  So I proceeded that week with some natural self induction methods.  None of which worked.  I was very disappointed.  We spent the week hoping, praying and wishing for baby.  I did everything I could to encourage him to come.  I rested as much as I could in case that night was the night.  I cried out to God once again… Just praying that he wouldnt leave me alone to do the new parent thing without Jimmy.  And here it is… Saturday and no baby.  Paternity leave is gone and baby isnt here yet.

Jimmy has been amazing this past week.  Not patronizing me for my feelings… not giving me a hard time for my impatience and not “stating the obvious” that baby will come when he’s ready.  He has had some great quality time with Max and given me a multitude of opportunities to rest, be alone, or go out and do things… whatever my soul needed at the moment.

And while Im so grateful for all of that… I still cant help but wonder why I feel like God has been so silent these past few weeks.

So, once again we face another baby deadline.  Im getting into that time frame where im TOO overdue.  I have about another week before I may lose my ability to birth at home.  I honestly dont see how it could be physically possible for this ginormous acrobat to inhabit my limited space belly for any longer… but with the way things have been going, I really am starting to believe that in 18 years I MAY give birth to a college student.

In my head, I know that my heart is weary, I am beyond sleep deprived, I am battling a cold that definitely doesnt help the situation and I am just longing for this to be over.  That there is no real logic behind my disappointment and feeling of abandonment… but that’s the thing about emotions.  They dont give a shit about logic (sorry for the language).

So to answer the questions that I get about 17 times a day… every day…

Yes Im still pregnant

No baby isnt here yet

Yes Im ok (relatively speaking)

No Im not mad at you, Im just ignoring your text because to admit that I havent had this baby yet, once again, just breaks my heart into a million more pieces, which I really cant handle at this moment in time.

What can you do for me?  Stop asking what you can do for me and just do something.  Im not good at asking for help.  Drop a meal off on my door step, offer to come get my kid for a few hours, or to take him for the day when Leo finally does come.  Bring me a small bag of groceries so I dont have to run out yet again (we always seem to need lunch meat, bread, milk and juice or maybe a pack of diapers so I dont have to do diaper laundry… max is in a size 4).  Instead of texting me questions that require a reply… just text me that you love me, or that your thinking of me or praying for me.  Direct all questions to Jimmy for a while so I dont have to put any mental energy into anything beyond trying to will this baby out.

Stop telling me I’ll be fine… I know I will be.  I know I will live through this… I know that somehow someway I will be able to muster up the strength and ability to deal with a newborn and a 2 year old on my own… Im a strong girl… but it is not what I wanted.  I wanted my family whole for that first week.  And I am in a state of mourning over that. So telling me that I will be fine would be like me telling you to move on and get over it while you were mourning the death of a family member.  Its not helpful and its not nice.

Im not mad at anyone.  As a matter of fact its quite the opposite.  I am constantly overwhelmed by the outpouring of love that I consistently get from my friends and family. But please keep in mind that these days I am ruled by hormones and emotions.  If I act ugly or ungrateful… I promise its not because I am.  I love you all and appreciate each one of you!

Posted in Life | Leave a comment

Maximus turns 2!

2 years… Its still so hard for me to wrap my head around.  We have had this tornado of fun in our lives for 2 years.

maxius

2 years has brought LOTS of transition into our lives.  With the impending arrival of a baby brother in the fall and LOTS of new words and actions… Its like a whole new ball game.

Max is talking… a lot.  He will repeat most words and has a pretty impressive vocabulary (says his uber biased mom).  He can identify most animals, knows what noise they make etc.  He still gets confused on some of them though.  For example, he calls dinosaurs a horse.  Personally I think its adorable and pray he never knows the real word lol.  Also, EVERY animal at the zoo, other than the lions, birds and alligators, are monkeys.  He can count to 3 with some coaching.  He is working on his colors, but depending on the day, everything is either blue, green or red.  He notices EVERYTHING and is super observant.  He is by far the most friendly child I’ve ever met.  He waives and says Hi to everyone he passes.  He’s quite the charmer and loves to flirt with little old ladies.

Physically he is light years ahead of his age.  He has free reign on the playground and is learning to master even the larger play equipment.  He runs, jumps, runs backwards, balances, climbs… you name it.  He is super agile and very in control of his body.  Im sure he will be a star athlete one day.

He likes to play with cars and trucks… especially if they make noise or go on their own.  He also likes to play with his dinosaurs and read books.  His favorite thing is to play outside, most particularly with a friend he can chase or with his daddy.

He adores his dogs Chewy and Bruce. He always prays for them first EVERY single night. He also adores His Boo Boo (Roxanne) and his grandparents.  His best friends are Graeson and Ethan right now and of course his daddy.

He is a pretty decent eater.  His favorite food is whatever YOU are eating. He loves to beg strangers for their food…which is both adorable and extremely embarrassing as his mother.  I DO feed this child… I promise.

He has turned all of us into a jungle gym lol, which isnt the easiest thing when you’re almost 8 months pregnant.  He is very excited about being a big brother and is starting to figure out what is going on. He points to the crib, bouncy seat and my belly and says either “baby” or “brother”.  He kisses and hugs my belly and will sometimes come up and just put his hands on my belly and try to feel the baby kick.

Of course with all these amazing developments comes an increased strong will, unsurmounted curiosity, and an independent streak that may even rival my own.  Im sure this is much more difficult for mommy and daddy than it is for Max lol.  We are adjusting and learning how to discipline.  Man, 2 is hard… its super exciting… but super hard.

I still watch him sleep on occasion, I still beg for him to let me hold him and rock him, I still rub his hair and rub his back when he lets me.  He is of course still my baby, but I grow increasingly aware of how quickly time slips from our hands as I watch him grow and change.

Most days I am overwhelmed… Overwhelmed with dishes and a house to clean. Overwhelmed with the terrible twos and pregnancy.  Overwhelmed with exhaustion and a to do list that seems to grow faster than I can mark things off… But always overwhelmed with love and gratitude, that the Lord would entrust not just this one special soul, but another one coming in November, into my hands to shape and mold and send out into the world one day.

As hard as parenting can be… as hard as being a stay at home mommy can be… as hard as being pregnant and dealing with the attitudes of the terrible twos is… I wouldnt trade this life for anything.

Thank you Maximus Alexander!  Thank you for teaching me so much.  I never knew love like this existed.  You are my world!  Happy Birthday little tornado!

Posted in Life | 1 Comment

To my husband on Father’s Day.

If it were humanly possible for ones heart to explode, mine did today.  This afternoon we took Max to the local waterpark.  I can honestly say I have NEVER seen Max as happy as he was today.  He was squealing with delight as he ran through the splash pad with Daddy, giggling uncontrollably while Daddy tossed him in the water and saying “Again, Again” after every time he went down the slide with Daddy… with Daddy.

I get the privilege to do the fun stuff with Max every day.  But it is TOTALLY different when Daddy can join us.

Jimmy is most definately Maxs favorite person on the planet… and that makes me so happy.  Seeing them play today made my heart fill and overflow with so much joy.  I am truly blessed to have a man that each and every day comes home from a long and often rough day at work and makes it a point to love on and pay attention to his kid.  Watching Jimmy be a Daddy has made me fall in love with him all over again.  I cant wait to see him handle two of them once Leo makes his arrival.

Thank you Jimmy for loving me so well these past 12+ years… and thank you for being an amazing Daddy to our children.  Thank you for working so hard so I am able to follow my calling to serve my family and my home.  You are an amazing man, and Im sure if Max could string together sentences he would say… Daddy, you are my hero! I love you more than I could ever even begin to express in words.

Happy Father’s Day!

Posted in Life | Leave a comment

Just an Update

Ive been meaning to write lately… but sitting down in front of a computer and typing out words and thoughts is quite the luxury these days.  So I have lots to update you on… Me, the pregnancy, the baby, Max…our little family. So where do I start.

I’ll start with the pregnancy… So far so good. This pregnancy has been a bit different than the last.  With Max, I was never sick, no where near as tired and focused every ounce of energy on my baby boy.  This one… not so much.  I was sick in the first trimester… still get sick every once in a while.  Im beyond exhausted, especially after chasing a toddler around, and most days completely forget that I am carrying a most precious baby just inches below my heart.  But other than that, mom and baby are completely healthy.

We are planning a home birth. Which was something I had originally planned to keep to myself.  I know I have some friends and family members that may not approve and honestly did not want to get into it with anyone. That still hasn’t changed, but I do hope that those who do not agree with me will still respect my decision. We are very excited for a more intimate experience as we bring this baby into the world.

And this baby… if you haven’t already heard… is a boy!  Yep, another boy.  We had our ultrasound earlier this week.  The natural reaction of my heart makes me believe that deep down I had hoped that it was a boy.  My hearts desire is to raise a house full of Godly boys that will grow up to be strong honorable men, husbands and fathers.

We chose the name Leonidas William for this boy.  Which is crazy, because neither of those names were talked about through this whole pregnancy until the day before we found out the gender.  We had some family names picked out, but none of them seemed right.  Jimmy and I went back and forth and back and forth.  We loved the names we had narrowed down… all of them… but could not land on a name.  They just didnt feel right.  We have always been very mindful of name meanings and none of the names we had picked out had a strong or worthy meaning.  So the night before the ultrasound I decided to revisit some names we had on the table when naming Max.  Leo stood out to me.  We still wanted family to be reflected in our childs name so we chose William for the middle name, after Jimmy’s grandfather Billy Jack.  Leonidas William means Lion of Protection. We finally had a name that felt right.  We are very aware that the names we have chosen for our boys are very heavy names.  I know we probably look like lunatics building a greco roman army out of our offspring.  Maybe we are crazy.  But we love the names.  They both reflect my Italian/Latin heritage which has always meant a lot to me, and both names are strong and will be an achievement for them to live up to.

On to our other Latin warrior… Max is almost 2…can you believe it?  Every day Im amazed at how much he has grown and learned and developed.  He is full of energy, which is incredibly exhausting lol.  He is physically meeting milestones 12-18 months ahead of where his age puts him. He is talking A LOT.  He LOVES the water.  We go to the lake or the pool quite often.  He has absolutely no fear of the water which makes me so proud.  He loves to play with his dinosaurs.  He makes them stomp on the ground and growl at each other.  He also loves to push his cars and play with his dump trucks.  He prefers to be outside.  He enjoys the big boy playground and blowing bubbles as well as pestering the neighbors dog.  He LOVES his puppies too.  He often asks for Chewy before he is even out of bed and often you can find him chasing him around saying “hug”. Bruce is slowly but surely warming up to him.  He will now let Max touch him, but only if I am close by.  He does enjoy letting Max chase him around the coffee table on occasion.  Max’s favorite person on the planet is his daddy.  Just this week Max has graduated from his crib and is now sleeping in his big boy toddler bed.  He is growing way too fast.

We, or I, am making preparations for Leo’s arrival.  I know we still have a little ways to go, but with as little energy as I have these days, doing  a little here and there seems to be the best plan.  Since we are having another boy, we really do not need anything.  I have gone through and organized all of our baby clothes and I am in awe of how much God and our friends have provided for us.  I have MAYBE spent $50 on clothes for Max but have boxes and boxes of clothes ranging from newborn all the way to 5T.  All were gifted to us or handed down to us from friends.  I have set up the co-sleeper and unpacked all the bottles, burp cloths, receiving blankets and other baby accessories.  It all makes me very excited and everything all more real.

I haven’t felt much baby movement.  My placenta is anterior so it buffers most of the baby’s movement.  I can feel him if I am super still and concentrate… or if both he and I are in just the right position.  This alarmed me at first.  I felt movement with Max at 11 weeks.  Here I am at 20 weeks and barely feeling anything.  But I was thankful for the confirmation of the anterior placenta so now I know why and know that I have nothing to worry about.  As he grows stronger, he will be able to kick through that buffer and I will feel him nice and strong soon enough.  But it does make me treasure those kicks that I do feel even more so.

I am still working on my Lactation Educator Certification.  I have been uber slack since finding out I am pregnant.  I have only taken a very few clients in the past few months as I just haven’t had the time or energy.  But I do plan to kick it back in high gear soon… as soon as I can get a game plan lol.

Jimmy is doing well.  He will be 35 at the end of this month… which feels crazy to me. When did we become real adults? lol  He is beside himself excited to have another little man in the house to build legos with and play dinosaurs with. I am incredibly outnumbered at this point lol.

We have no real vacations planned for this year.  We do hope to visit our family in Florida and Georgia if time and money allow.  We did camp for a weekend earlier this month and had an absolute blast.  We hope to camp again in the fall before Leo comes. But I am determined to put my feet in the ocean one way or another this summer lol.

Well, I think that brings you pretty current with the Sorrells Family.  We hope to get a chance to hug on all of you at some point!

Posted in Life | Leave a comment

Oat-Nut Bars

Oat nut bars

 

So many people have asked me for this recipe.

 

Im ALWAYS looking for healthy easy toddler food.  Because ya know… toddlers dont let you know, “hey… I might be hungry in 20 minutes so you may want to start cooking something”.  When they are hungry… They are hungry NOW.  I stumbled across this recipe on pinterest.  I made a few changes and have made this recipe with a few variations.  Each time it came out wonderfully.

I love these bars.  You can make so many variations of this recipe to make it suit your taste and dietary needs.  This is a staple in my home.  My 18 month old eats these for breakfast and often for a snack.  They are easy to pack and take with you and are super filling.

Some good variates or things you can add:

– trail mix

– any kind of nuts

– raisins, or any dried fruit

-!!For breastfeeding moms- add 3 tbs of brewers yeast and 1 tbs of flax meal.  Oats, Flax and brewers yeast are all Lactogenic.

Oat nut bars (1)

Posted in Home | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Failed Lactation… My breastfeeding journey.

I was positive I was going to breastfeed… no doubt about it.  I mean after all EVERY woman can breastfeed right.  Those that say they cant really just aren’t trying hard enough… or they’re not committed… or they’re lazy… right?  Right?

I spent many hours reading forums, articles, books… just about everything I could get my hands on about birth and breastfeeding.  I felt prepared.  I was ready… BRING IT ON BOOBIES!  Until I was about 37 weeks pregnant.  In all the research and articles that I had read NONE of them mentioned some of the legit reasons that a woman could maybe not be able to breastfeed.  None of them mentioned IGT, PCOS or any kind of hormonal issues.  It wasn’t until I took a breastfeeding class that I heard anything about these.

You see, I have struggled with PCOS since I was an adolescent.  I don’t have a lot of the horrible symptoms thank goodness, but it does effect my fertility.  I had no clue that it could also effect my ability to breastfeed.  So I felt blindsided… only 3 weeks before my precious baby would enter the world and need to be sustained by me… me and my malfunctioning breasts.  I was terrified.

Having PCOS doesn’t guarantee that you will have issues with breastfeeding.  In fact 1/3 of women with PCOS are able to feed their babies from their breast just fine.  1/3 actually produce more milk than needed (oversupply) and then… well then there is the other 1/3.  This group suffers from low supply.  So honestly, if I were a rational thinker… I probably wouldn’t have worried.

Nearly 15 minutes after Max was born he latched beautifully.  He took to the breast like… well, like a baby is supposed to take to the breast.  A wave of relief washed over me.  I really thought we were going to be ok.  A few nights in though, things weren’t as beautiful.  My son seemed increasingly unsatisfied after his feedings.  As a first time mom the panic of not knowing what to do was to this day probably the worst and most scary emotion I have ever felt in my life.  My resolve to NEVER use formula and ONLY feed my baby my milk went straight out the window.  I don’t care what they would have fed him… I just didn’t want to starve my baby.  I mean, what kind of mother starves her baby.  What kind of woman cannot breastfeed.  I mean, isn’t that what women were made to be able to do… have babies and breastfeed.  And I wasn’t able to do either one without some kind of medical assistance.  My body hated me, and now it hated my baby.  Heartbroken is not the word to describe how I felt.  It was deeper than that.  It was more than just my heart that was broken.  My body was broken, my confidence, my life… my life felt broken.

I sought help with a lactation consultant.  And honestly, she was horrible.  She didn’t seem to care… and honestly I didn’t know any better.  Her lack of resolve lead me to believe that it just wasn’t going to happen for me.  I tried various herbs… I took medications that are banned in the USA… I tried what I believed at the time to be everything.  Emotionally I couldn’t handle the stress.  I couldn’t balance trying to feed my baby from my breasts and also feed him from a bottle.  I couldn’t deal with the pain of failure.  I felt like I had let my baby down.  I felt like I had let our whole family down.

This situation alone, was by far the most emotionally painful thing I have ever experienced in my life.  And I know many of you reading this think that statement is absurd.  Many moms formula feed their baby.  Many moms make that choice.  Many moms are unsuccessful at breastfeeding… blah blah blah.  But for ME… FOR ME… this was painful.  It wasn’t just that I could not breastfeed.  It was struggling with fertility for almost 5 years and realizing that my body failed me in doing what it was meant to do, create life… only to have my body fail me once again at the simple task of making milk.  It was the disappointment in the lack of “womanhood” that my  body was able to participate in.  It was knowing just enough facts to hate myself… and not enough to forgive myself.

But… alas, I got over it.  I am still healing 17 months later.  There are still moments where I see a woman put her child to her bosom and watch her child drift off into a comforted sleep that I tear up and wish that I had been able to have that experience.  But rather than live in this land of disappointment and sadness… I decided to channel that energy elsewhere.

I became passionate about educating myself on breastfeeding… the ins, outs, mechanics, emotions, hormones, anatomy… all of it.  A few months after Max’s birth I knew what I was meant to do.  I knew I was called to work in women’s health when I was 19, but I didn’t understand my calling at that time.  Now, 13 years later I have clarity.

Of course with the knowledge I have now, I know my breastfeeding experience could have been much different.  But I didn’t know how to get the support and knowledge I needed.  I knew about breastfeeding classes and lactation consultants, but I was never made to feel comfortable enough to really dive deep into the issues I may have had.  And now it is my passion to make sure every woman is able to have lactation help and good information given to her by empathetic professionals who are truly passionate about making their desires for what they want their lactation journey to look like a reality.

You may call me crazy… but I really do feel called by God to work with women.  With birthing women who want to provide their sweet mamas milk to their babies.  I want to help them know how, feel comfortable and overcome any obstacle that may come before them.  I want to spare them the emotions I had to encounter… I want them to feel confident in their bodies… and what it can do. And I want them to be prepared what their bodies may not be able to overcome, and rather than despair over this, learn how to build a bridge over the situation.

Today, those feelings of failure and pain are slowly being replaced with feelings of joy and pride as I help women feed their babies how they want to feed them.  It is messages like these that fill that place in my heart that ached and longed for a breastfeeding relationship with my baby.  Because I can help someone else…

2015-02-09 13.44.39 (1) 2015-02-09 13.48.21

*Screenshots used with permission

Posted in Life | Leave a comment

2014 + 1= 2015

I’ve said in the past that I hate resolutions… and I don’t know if I’ve changed, or if I’ve always been lying to myself but… I LOVE resolutions.  I love New Years, I love Mondays and I love the first of the month.  I love new beginnings… a chance to start over a chance to make a change… I love resolutions.

With that said.  I usually try to be a bit specific and creative when I set my goals, whether they be monthly, daily or yearly.

This year I hope to:

 

Get pregnant… yep that’s right.  We are planning baby #2 this year.  Our last baby took a while to conceive due to some fertility issues but I feel like we are going into this one with more knowledge and confidence so hopefully we will not take as long this time.

Continue on my journey of getting back into a more natural lifestyle.  Last year I focused a lot on my eating, cleaning products and wellness.  This year Id like to make some changes in hygiene.  I would love to make my own facial cleansers and moisturizers, bath products and switch my makeup over to organic makeup.  We swapped our deodorant and toothpaste last year and MOST of my hair products.

Take better care of myself.  This one is always hard… especially as a first time mom… But its just the little stuff ya know… Id like to shower more often lol… actually brush my teeth every day… get up early enough to enjoy my cup of tea in peace before the hurricane we call Max begins.  Spend a portion of Max’s nap doing something for myself… like, oh maybe napping myself rather than cleaning.  I would like to take more “time outs” than I have allowed myself this past year. I think its important for both my health and my sanity.

Drink more water… I’m SOOO horrible at this.  It seems so simple.  But I AM HORRIBLE.  There have been entire days that have passed me by and I have only drank my morning cup of tea or coffee… ENTIRE DAYS.  No good!!!!  I live my life in a state of dehydration which is not only miserable… its also dangerous.  I’m sure Id be much less irritable and WAY less tired if I would just drink a dag gum glass of water.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle… I feel like we do pretty good at this.  We generally buy used for most everything, and what we buy new we make sure ends up in someone else hands when we are finished rather than heading to the dump.  We do reusable just about everything.  I upcycle even the most odd things you could think of.  But there is again, always room for improvement.  Id like to try cloth napkins and paper towels this year.  I keep saying we are going to do it, but I just need to buy them and bite the bullet.  I also would like to actually recycle. We do so well with this category except the actual recycling part.  Ya know, like what you put in the little green bin. We live outside the city limits so recycling has to be taken somewhere… and it doesn’t help that my husband is convinced that recycling is a conspiracy or something.  But I’m determined to convince him this year.  I will buy my own little green bin lol.

Of course, get fit… no elaboration, that’s all you get.

Find a church home.

Spend more time in the word.  I’m also horrible at this one.  I feel like me and Jesus… we’re tight.  And this year we did a lot of hanging out in the trenches… but I didn’t spend much time in the word.  I feel like there is a lack of maturity where there is a lack of wisdom.  I know how to remedy this… I just need the discipline to do it.

Spend more time with family.  This one is hard since we are scattered all over the east coast.  But I can do better with phone calls, emails, facebook messages etc.  I really miss us all being in the same state. Now all my cousins have babies and we all have these real grown up lives… Its so weird.

Finish my CLE certification.  If I keep on like I have been I should finish up in the fall… which puts me about 6 months ahead of schedule.

And I have a few small home projects that Id like to get accomplished but nothing major.

So I’m pretty sure that’s it.  Maybe.

Posted in Life | Tagged , , | Leave a comment