Im still Pregnant

Both Max and I have been battling a bit of a cold the past few days.  Last night he was up quite a bit.  I sat in his bed and rocked him for about an hour and cried out to God during that time.  I told him how disappointed I was.  How frustrated I was.  How this past week has made me question if he even hears me, if hes even there… If he forgot about me.  Then I laid my sweet congested baby down and went to bed.

This past couple of weeks has been hard.  Emotionally and Physically.  About 3 weeks ago I started having what I would call early pre labor.  Contractions, stronger than Braxton Hicks, but not quite strong enough to really do anything.  They would come mostly in the night… just strong enough to keep me up for a few hours and then disappear by morning.  Id wake up feeling fine… no  big deal.  They started getting more frequent, a bit stronger and lasting longer in the night as the weeks went on.  This not only disturbed my sleep, but also did a number on me mentally.  I mean, contractions are great… when a baby is the result at the end… but this seemed to have no end in sight.  I prayed that God would allow me to have Leo a little early, just so I could have some relief, mentally and physically…

…. and nothing.

I felt like I was doing good though.  I wasnt being obnoxious about NEEDING my baby out like some new moms are.  Trying all sorts of things before their due date was even visible on the horizon.  Im a firm believer that babies come when babies are ready…

Then we got a phone call the Friday before my due date.  Jimmy’s boss decided that Jimmy should take his paternity leave that coming Monday through Friday… Even though the baby hadn’t arrived yet.  This sent sheer terror through my body.  The mere thought of having a brand new baby… and a toddler…on my own… immediately after birth… made me want to crawl into a hole and never ever ever come out.  Max is a good kid… but he is a full time gig.  And any newborn, well behaved or not is a full time gig as well. Not to mention that a womans postpartum body NEEDS time to heal, bond with her baby and establish breastfeeding.  I felt like all of that was being robbed of me.  But unfortunately there was nothing we could do about it… even after phone calls to HR we found out Jimmy was going to be off work no matter how loud we protested.  So we took a step of faith and just believed that Leo would come during the week so we would be able to have our time together as a new family.  That Monday I saw my midwife.  I had her check my progress (which I dont usually recommend under normal circumstances).  I was dilated to about a 4 and my cervix was very soft and effaced 50%.  For those of you that dont understand what all that means… I was ripe and ready for birth… all we needed was for baby and uterus to start doing its thing.  So I proceeded that week with some natural self induction methods.  None of which worked.  I was very disappointed.  We spent the week hoping, praying and wishing for baby.  I did everything I could to encourage him to come.  I rested as much as I could in case that night was the night.  I cried out to God once again… Just praying that he wouldnt leave me alone to do the new parent thing without Jimmy.  And here it is… Saturday and no baby.  Paternity leave is gone and baby isnt here yet.

Jimmy has been amazing this past week.  Not patronizing me for my feelings… not giving me a hard time for my impatience and not “stating the obvious” that baby will come when he’s ready.  He has had some great quality time with Max and given me a multitude of opportunities to rest, be alone, or go out and do things… whatever my soul needed at the moment.

And while Im so grateful for all of that… I still cant help but wonder why I feel like God has been so silent these past few weeks.

So, once again we face another baby deadline.  Im getting into that time frame where im TOO overdue.  I have about another week before I may lose my ability to birth at home.  I honestly dont see how it could be physically possible for this ginormous acrobat to inhabit my limited space belly for any longer… but with the way things have been going, I really am starting to believe that in 18 years I MAY give birth to a college student.

In my head, I know that my heart is weary, I am beyond sleep deprived, I am battling a cold that definitely doesnt help the situation and I am just longing for this to be over.  That there is no real logic behind my disappointment and feeling of abandonment… but that’s the thing about emotions.  They dont give a shit about logic (sorry for the language).

So to answer the questions that I get about 17 times a day… every day…

Yes Im still pregnant

No baby isnt here yet

Yes Im ok (relatively speaking)

No Im not mad at you, Im just ignoring your text because to admit that I havent had this baby yet, once again, just breaks my heart into a million more pieces, which I really cant handle at this moment in time.

What can you do for me?  Stop asking what you can do for me and just do something.  Im not good at asking for help.  Drop a meal off on my door step, offer to come get my kid for a few hours, or to take him for the day when Leo finally does come.  Bring me a small bag of groceries so I dont have to run out yet again (we always seem to need lunch meat, bread, milk and juice or maybe a pack of diapers so I dont have to do diaper laundry… max is in a size 4).  Instead of texting me questions that require a reply… just text me that you love me, or that your thinking of me or praying for me.  Direct all questions to Jimmy for a while so I dont have to put any mental energy into anything beyond trying to will this baby out.

Stop telling me I’ll be fine… I know I will be.  I know I will live through this… I know that somehow someway I will be able to muster up the strength and ability to deal with a newborn and a 2 year old on my own… Im a strong girl… but it is not what I wanted.  I wanted my family whole for that first week.  And I am in a state of mourning over that. So telling me that I will be fine would be like me telling you to move on and get over it while you were mourning the death of a family member.  Its not helpful and its not nice.

Im not mad at anyone.  As a matter of fact its quite the opposite.  I am constantly overwhelmed by the outpouring of love that I consistently get from my friends and family. But please keep in mind that these days I am ruled by hormones and emotions.  If I act ugly or ungrateful… I promise its not because I am.  I love you all and appreciate each one of you!

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About jellybeansundae

Im just a not so average 30-something experiencing life at a different angle.
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