This morning I had a Dr. appointment with my Rhumetologist. I’m in her office every month for treatment, but only see her every other month. I love my Rhumetologist. She is a very “tell it like it is” type of woman… not over sensitive but not cruel either. Every appointment goes just about the same… we go over my meds, she inspects my joints, tells me how fat my knees are (as if its the first time she’s told me), and then we address any issues… and usually there aren’t any. However, the last few years the “issue” we address is pregnancy- or lack there of. My Doctor dealt with infertility at my age. She ended up adopting 2 children, a boy and a girl. So I know she sympathizes with me, but she couldn’t believe that I hadn’t sought treatment yet. Truth is- its scary. I’ve heard so many horror stories about how different medications make you suicidal and cause you to have 8 babies at once… and any one who has watched Giulianna and Bill knows how rough IVF is, not to mention how expensive all of this can be. I went to a reproductive specialist about a year ago for a consultation and was scared out of my mind… needless to say I didn’t go back. But Lo and behold… I have an appointment in August to have some tests run and finally figure out what the problem is. Im not looking forward to it. I guess in my mind- if you dont know WHAT the problem is, then maybe the problem doesn’t exist. It seems alot less real. Like its been my “choice” and I have had any amount of control over this baby making thing. Its a messed up way of thinking- I know! But its really hard for a control freak to even entertain the idea that making a baby is out of my control. That I can’t just say lets do it and it be done.
So what made me decide to finally stirrup up? The past week or so I have found out that 2 of my friends are expecting… No- not just 2 “friends” but 2 of my very best friends. One of which has had 2, now working on 3 babies since Jimmy and I have been talking about having babies, and the other didn’t even start trying to get pregnant till way after Jimmy and I were actively trying. Girls who I always talked to about how fun it would be to be pregnant together, and have our kids grow up together… Now they get to experience that and I remain left out. Please don’t misunderstand me. I am happy for them… SO happy for them. You wouldn’t believe how thrilled I am for them… but there is a part of me that aches and hurts from this news. So today in the doctors office, I choked back tears… I didn’t want to cry because I want them to believe that I am handling this whole infertility thing with such a “cool and collected” attitude. My nurse shared with me about a time when she told her friend who had been unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant for 10 years that she was pregnant after only 6 months of trying. She shared that it had a big effect on their friendship and they were never the same after that. I don’t want to be that woman! I don’t want to ostracize myself and alienate my friends. In the past I have immersed myself, almost drowned myself in loving my friends children just to keep that from happening… but it feels like “things just got real”. I’m almost 30, and most of my friends are older than me… you can guess where that leaves me… yep, the only one without children. Its amazing how alone one can feel in a room full of friends. I had planned to seek counselling to help deal with the issue. But I was doing so well the past few weeks… I really thought I had accepted this as my “thing”. You know, we all have a thing. She’s the girl who drinks too much, she’s the girl who says “like” too much, she’s the girl who is still rockin’ her 1994 haircut… I would just be the girl who is STILL trying to get pregnant. But I guess it just takes the right situation to set you off, to sprinkle a little bit of salt into that still open and oozing wound that you thought you may have become numb to.
So, how do I deal with this? The hell if I know. I thought seeking out other people who are dealing with this would help… but they are just as wounded, clueless and hurting as I am. All we do is wallow in each others pain and leave worse for the ware… So how about seeking out those “wise women” in our life? Nope- they offer advice like “all in God’s timing” and “I know what you’re going through- I once wanted FILL IN THE BLANK so bad”… and so I leave those moments wanting to punch these ladies (or men) in the face. So how about those women who endured this struggle… and came out on the other side? Nope- no help there either… they still have their prize… a prize of which I am not guaranteed. So though their advice is probably the wisest, it still arouses pain and even anger and that “its not fair” type of feeling. So now what? Honestly, I don’t know. I guess just pray for us…that we find comfort in this lonely time… that my doctors visit finds a quick and fast solution (cause Lord knows a couple more years of this and I’m going to turn into a crazy person… maybe adopt a few dozen cats or something)… and that I am able to delight in my friends pregnancy… and that I don’t deck the next person that tells me “his timing is perfect”.