I put alot of expectations on myself. No one else does… just me. And I have NEVER been in line and operating in ALL of those expectations. I just realized this last night as I was laying in bed at about 2:46 (yeah I checked the clock) and couldn’t sleep. No one expects much of me other than I be faithful and loving to my husband, do my job to the best of my ability, and love on some children on Sunday mornings… Really… those were the only expectations that others have for me that I could come up with. Yet, I am constantly disappointed in myself for not rising to the expectations I have for myself.
Don’t get me wrong, it is a good thing to have your own expectations. If I didn’t have ANY- I wouldn’t do much at all… But sometimes we try to be WAY more than we were created to be. We weren’t created to be Super Mom, Wonder Wife, Amazing Artista, Decor Diva, Culinary Cassanova, Fabulous Friend, Stylish Sista…. and the list goes on. Most of us are gifted in one or two of these areas… why do we feel it so necessary to master ALL of them. For alot of people it stems back to childhood and blame can be laid on their parents. Mine definitely stems back to childhood, but I can’t fault my parents. I was VERY blessed to have parents that accepted my strengths, AND my weaknesses. I was never pushed to do something I didn’t want to do- or punished if I failed, as long as I gave it my all. But I can remember as a teenager pushing myself to unhealthy limits just so I could accomplish AS MUCH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. I remember going 4 days without eating because I was “too busy”. I was 17. That’s not normal. No one made me be so active. As a matter of fact- I cried for days because my parents made me drop some of my extra curricular activities and made me quit my high school job. I don’t know WHERE this all stemmed from. I like to think I am ambitious… But my actions are, and have been, beyond explanation.
As I laid in bed last night- highly irritated because I couldn’t sleep- and I was just laying there when I should have gotten up and done something… I realized that I just need to chill. I need to re-evaluate the expectations I have on myself and maybe pair down some of them.
In the past few years my goal had been to learn to say “no”… And I think I am doing good with that one. So now its on to another goal… set REALISTIC and REACHABLE expectations for myself. So here are some new expectations I am putting on myself.
Drink more wine
Leave the house a Mess at least once a week (this will be hard)
Sit outside on the porch and watch the “weather” for at least 30 minutes twice a week. No book, no task, no friends… just me and NOTHING.
Let Jimmy plan dinner once a week (another hard one- I’m such a control freak I don’t like people messing in my kitchen)
Keep my opinions to myself- unless they are asked for.
These are just a few. Of course I still want to maintain sanity at work and at home. I will keep to my obligations as well… but maybe these few things will help me let go of that “perfect” image I have of myself and my home (and my life).
The last thing I want to do is loose focus of what is important to me- so with this “letting go” I have also zero’d in on a few areas I need to “tighten up” on.
I need to get back in shape
I need to read my Bible more
I need to make more of an effort to keep in touch with my family
To judge less, and offer grace more! (even to stupid people)
So there ya go folks. My commitment to myself…
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